Opinions can be some of the most annoying things to have to listen to. That's why, in an attempt to avoid being as irritating as I sometimes find others, I've created a list of rules for sharing my thoughts with people.
1. Remember to not have an opinion of something unless you really know anything about it, especially if it seems like something you won't like. It's better to hate something for what it is than what you think it is.
2. Remember that no one cares. This includes your friends most the time. So unless requested, don't just share.
3. Occasionally you will find yourself in a discussion with someone who has a different opinion than you. Keep these instances civil. Getting angry over the fact that someone doesn't share your feelings make you look stupid. However, a well thought out discussion can make you look good. It's not like the things you talk about warrant a strong reaction anyway. Greedo did shoot first tho.
4. It's ok to have an opinion based on minimal information. It's not ok to be passionate about this opinion. This is especially true for puppies, because you don't really need anything more than there just so darn cute.
5. Throw everything out the window if the person your interacting with is not from America. You are inherently better than them based on the Constitution. Especially true if their from France.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sports Heroes
I find people who are really into professional sports to be a bit bothersome. I understand being a fan and having interest in the entertainment of it all. But having dealt with people who are entirely too invested in a team, there needs to a prearranged limit to fan-dom.
1. You may own a jersey, teeshirt and hat. You cannot however wear them all at once, unless attending the game.
2. You can know the names and stats of the top 30% players on any given team. The rest of them are not worth knowing. Instead of that information, learn the names of the people representing you in the house and Senate, and know their stats. There's less of them and you'll have more to talk about when you need to seem smart in public.
3. If someone casually enjoys a team, and has no reason other than region to like that team, you're not allowed to berate them. A person's worth is not determined by a casual opinion. But it can be determined by an invested one.
4. Fantasy sports are really stupid and take to much time. And I've got myself a championship in one. I don't have children, but if I did they wouldn't have received any attention for those 4 months.
5. If it's not the playoffs and your mood is directly correlated to whether or not your team won, you may be punched in the wiener ( a swift smack of the breast for females).
6. You are not a member of the team you enjoy. Remember that when talking about them.
Breaking these rules doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you insufferable, so stop it.
1. You may own a jersey, teeshirt and hat. You cannot however wear them all at once, unless attending the game.
2. You can know the names and stats of the top 30% players on any given team. The rest of them are not worth knowing. Instead of that information, learn the names of the people representing you in the house and Senate, and know their stats. There's less of them and you'll have more to talk about when you need to seem smart in public.
3. If someone casually enjoys a team, and has no reason other than region to like that team, you're not allowed to berate them. A person's worth is not determined by a casual opinion. But it can be determined by an invested one.
4. Fantasy sports are really stupid and take to much time. And I've got myself a championship in one. I don't have children, but if I did they wouldn't have received any attention for those 4 months.
5. If it's not the playoffs and your mood is directly correlated to whether or not your team won, you may be punched in the wiener ( a swift smack of the breast for females).
6. You are not a member of the team you enjoy. Remember that when talking about them.
Breaking these rules doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you insufferable, so stop it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friends and Such
Making new friends is the most ridiculous thing to do as you get older. I find it especially difficult because I know my thought process when I meet someone new and I can only assume their doing the same thing. Let's examine:
1. Initial overview and examination of what their saying and doing. Hoping they do something I can take back to the friends I have now to make fun of.
2. Getting pissed off at the idea of the person doing the same thing to me. Attempt to hide how fat I am. Tilting head to prevent view of my balding area. Slow down the pace of the conversation, as to make sure I don't show how crappy my personality is.
3. Continue to explore through conversation. Hope their stupid face slips up so I can belittle them and assert my dominance.
4. Inadvertently say something stupid giving them the upper hand. Hate myself for doing so. Think about ways to flagellate mentally and physically to punish myself for this mistake.
5. Self depricate to hide my shame and seem like I'm comfortable enough with them to show weakness. This is also meant to hide my intentions of conversational revenge.
6. Notice that their skills in pontificating are better than mine. Realize an alliance must be formed before they understand their strength.
7. As friends, bide my time to rise up and defeat this most formidable opponent. Until then, order another round of beer and high five a lot. Then ride into the night looking for other groups to war with.
(Please note this model is specifically for other males. There would be a female model as well, but unfortunatly I can't ever get a conversation going. Please note section 2 of the male model for reasons why.)
1. Initial overview and examination of what their saying and doing. Hoping they do something I can take back to the friends I have now to make fun of.
2. Getting pissed off at the idea of the person doing the same thing to me. Attempt to hide how fat I am. Tilting head to prevent view of my balding area. Slow down the pace of the conversation, as to make sure I don't show how crappy my personality is.
3. Continue to explore through conversation. Hope their stupid face slips up so I can belittle them and assert my dominance.
4. Inadvertently say something stupid giving them the upper hand. Hate myself for doing so. Think about ways to flagellate mentally and physically to punish myself for this mistake.
5. Self depricate to hide my shame and seem like I'm comfortable enough with them to show weakness. This is also meant to hide my intentions of conversational revenge.
6. Notice that their skills in pontificating are better than mine. Realize an alliance must be formed before they understand their strength.
7. As friends, bide my time to rise up and defeat this most formidable opponent. Until then, order another round of beer and high five a lot. Then ride into the night looking for other groups to war with.
(Please note this model is specifically for other males. There would be a female model as well, but unfortunatly I can't ever get a conversation going. Please note section 2 of the male model for reasons why.)
The new frontier
I just saw pictures of an actual jet pack that the public can purchase and got super excited because this means we've taken the first step to the the sci fi world promised by the 1950s. But new tech like this also leads to the unforeseen consequences of such a device exsisting.
1. Jet pack racing - In early 2012 Nascar will announce the new Modified flying device class sponsored by US Smokeless tobacco. Leading to rednecks across the country to buy and tincker with their own personal flying devices. FUI (flying under the influence) arrests will skyrocket (Pun INTENDED).
2. Crime Wave- A masked criminal will commit several high profile offenses, including bank robbery, muggings, and plane hijackings, using his S&M themed jet pack to escape. He will be known as Dominatrix-man, out of a lack of creativity and a secret wish to have been born a woman.
3. Super Justice- In a response to Dominatrix-man, several racers from the US Smokeless Cup racing series will become a team of super people. Their monikers will be derived from the sponsors of their teams, the most popular of witch will be the Tide Crime Remover, whose trademark move will be tossing bleach on criminals to ruin the hard work they put into sewing their costumes.
With prospect such as these in the near future I think we can all look forward to the new frontier.
1. Jet pack racing - In early 2012 Nascar will announce the new Modified flying device class sponsored by US Smokeless tobacco. Leading to rednecks across the country to buy and tincker with their own personal flying devices. FUI (flying under the influence) arrests will skyrocket (Pun INTENDED).
2. Crime Wave- A masked criminal will commit several high profile offenses, including bank robbery, muggings, and plane hijackings, using his S&M themed jet pack to escape. He will be known as Dominatrix-man, out of a lack of creativity and a secret wish to have been born a woman.
3. Super Justice- In a response to Dominatrix-man, several racers from the US Smokeless Cup racing series will become a team of super people. Their monikers will be derived from the sponsors of their teams, the most popular of witch will be the Tide Crime Remover, whose trademark move will be tossing bleach on criminals to ruin the hard work they put into sewing their costumes.
With prospect such as these in the near future I think we can all look forward to the new frontier.
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